last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How's work?
Spinning.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
