This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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