im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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