I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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