i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
