He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sext me about skeletons
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
