my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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