I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
