I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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