I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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