I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
