haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
