if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
