So drunk its hurt
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
