no, he came in my armpit
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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