look no pants
wanna go halves on a baby?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
