my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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