Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
