haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
