he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I did not marry a roomba.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
