Cold hands, warm shart.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
