If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's like iHOP with fire
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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