i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
