what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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