I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
