yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
