I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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