My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
