i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Vodka?
Forever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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