Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
