Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
