Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
