Got a toothbrush?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
