Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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