SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize