No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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