so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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