Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
