I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
