Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
