Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
