A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
