My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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