Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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