is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
