My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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