but the lizard people decide everything anyway
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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