theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
