Got a toothbrush?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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