Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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