he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
