i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
