I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
