Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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