If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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