Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
