This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
