coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I AM VODKA MAN
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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