Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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